PartnerMy New Lifeship

When I was young and fell in love with a nice girl it always ended in disappointment for me. I suffered a lot. Most of the time my timid and clumsy attempts at getting involved were blocked immediately with the terrible words

‘You’re nice, but …..’

One day – after once again tender feelings ended before they had taken roots with these words – I decided that never again would I want to hear these words. I resigned myself to the fact there is no woman who could love a man like me and who would want to share her life with me. I managed to suppress any feelings and any hopes in this respect and over the years I actually stopped suffering in that way. A relationship, partnership or marriage was not for me.

After many years – when the wall around my heart seemed indestructible – I met her:

The woman that I once dreamt of.

We met on the Internet, this fantastic, imaginary world in which all people are equal, anonymous, and usually have only fictitious names. And yet there is spontaneous sympathy or antipathy towards these ‘bodyless’ beings in the Cyber World. Today when I think about it, the first brick in my wall started to crumble when I entered the chatroom with my psydonyme "little frog” and a lady "onnlein" welcomed me with "Hello little froggy" . We talked , that is to say, wrote for hours, we got on so well right from the start and we really liked each other. Even when I revealed to her that I was disabled there was no change in her natural friendly way of talking to me. Soon our nightly chats became so important to me that I caught myself more and more waiting impatiently for the time “onnlein’ actually came online. When one day she casually mentioned that we should meet offline I suddenly panicked that I might have fallen in love in spite of my laboriously built wall and there was the fear of having to cope with another disappointment, fear of the feelings that have always been connected with suffering. Encouraged by a friend whom I had told about my internet acquaintance, I decided to meet her.

This meeting made my indestructible wall crumble like a house of cards.

The first visit was followed by others, brought us closer and then we really felt that the affection we had for each other in the unreal world of the Internet, now had become reality: We love each other.

One can imagine that a partnership with a person like me is not easy. I need and I receive assistance 24 hours a day, which means that 24 hours a day a carer is at my side. I'm used to it, but for Karin this was something entirely new. She had no experience whatsoever with any type of disability and of all people she came across me who as far as physical disabilities were concerned, had pretty much the most to offer. But right from the first day she was very interested in everything that the carers did for me , and watched each step carefully. To put on my jacket was the first action she wanted to do herself. This was followed by other things like brushing my teeth, get me dressed completely, lift me into the wheelchair and so on. She wanted to learn to deal with my disability all on her own so that every now and then we could be together without a carer being present. Today we are both a great team, able to deal with the situation on our own and be close to each other for longer periods of time.

But unfortunately we will never be able to live together as a couple. As she is healthy – luckily - and has a job, but doesn’t earn a fortune we cannot afford an apartment together. My basic social security income would be cancelled if she moved in with me and the round-the-clock assistance I receive from the carers would be cut...